melcena | Entries tagged with wtf is wrong with my brain meats

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Only 2 days (one night) this go 'round. Turns out the first medication he put me on has to be dialed back because it's doing a number on my kidneys. Cutting it by half and adding Topamax. Since my regular doctor is on vacation this week, I have to go see if the mean doctor will just write a damned prescription. I also have been told that I need to be losing 5 kilos a month. And if I'm not 5 kilos lighter by the 30th I will get royally bitched out and possibly sent on a 3 week "cure" (fat camp- low cal food, lots of exercise).

I was at the eye clinic from shortly before 9am until shortly after 2pm. If I don't eat in regular intervals I feel sick and terrible. After a breakfast of a portion of yogurt and 2 filinchen, not getting to eat until 2:20 was even worse. I felt better once I'd eaten but better just means I didn't want to vomit up my water and stomach bile. I'm still feeling really crappy. Since I have to go back and do all of this again on the 30th I now know to pack a lunch and take it with me.

So tired.

Current Mood: tired

I have a bad habit of trying to push anything I might stress about to the back of my mind. If I'm not thinking about it I can stress about it right? Haha, no. Trying not to let myself worry about the hospital visit tomorrow, trying not to panic about leaving the house in such a mess because I'm not quite up to doing another cleaning binge. And I had nightmares all night last night. Like terrible "I had a baby and it got murdered" kind of nightmares. In one I was supposed to go to the hospital the next day to be checked in for tests and stuff but I was getting arrested because I drove like a maniac and ran red lights and almost ran folks over trying to get my baby (a girl btw) to the hospital. And don't think my brain left out the anxiety of filling out forms endlessly while panicking about the baby. No no, my brain doesn't do half measures.

So I woke up smelling blood. And I'm like goddamn it brain take it down a notch. Sit up. Niagara falls of blood suddenly down my face. On my pajamas (top and bottoms), on and in my house shoes ... booked it to the bathroom with a hand cupped under my nose trying to catch all I could so I wouldn't leave a blood trail down the hall.

Had to get on with the day, starting laundry to get the blood out and then getting on clothes and starting breakfast. Burned the butter in the pan while Jens was whisking the eggs managed to time everything just right so that I never had half a second to get my coffee going and I was constantly worried I would burn all of breakfast.

Then I get on Facebook and I'm reading so much tragedy and trying to focus on some of the good things and funny things and a friend puts up this thing on Pseudo-science calling gravity a toxin and I cracked up. And then in the comments was this GEM: http://sebpearce.com/bullshit/. New-Age Bullshit Generator. That made my morning I laughed so hard. I had to come change all my LJ stuff to various quotes.

I've eaten, had some coffee. Still feeling stressed but the panic has subsided. Got stuff to do, but Jens will be helping. I was kind of flailing around in the kitchen, all my counters covered in clutter, stressing about getting it clean and he said, "It's not just your responsibility. I DO live here too." Mind blown.

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Monkey reading his Dragons magazine aloud

Nearly had a panic attack when Jens and Sammy headed off on their own. I may need to look at getting either new meds or upping my dosage? But as my bestie pointed out the fact that nearly everything tastes awful now could have some benefits in regards to my waistline. I'll give it some more time.

I asked Jens to have Sammy's hair cut while they're out. He refused and said I'd fuss about it. Which I wouldn't, it'd be a big help to me if I didn't have to try and get him an appointment in town and take him myself. But whatever.

Laundry is going, the child has one clean pair of pants left. No putting that off a couple more days.

I should be cleaning ... I may get to it.

OK. So my big plans have crashed and burned.

I did bust my butt Wednesday, cleaning out and scrubbing out cabinets and reorganizing. But everything I've done keeps getting undone, or looks like it anyway. And most of that list still is unfinished.

Today I have done ... nada really. I took a stab at the dog bar and cleaned one drawer of it. I then proceeded to lounge around and do nothing except make an Oreo Pie.

Tomorrow Jens and Sammy T will be out on the town for some Papa/Monkey time and I will be home. Ostensibly cleaning. We'll see.

OH! And something fun seems to have happened. Everything tastes OFF. Bitter, wrong and weird. Apparently this is a side effect of my meds. That this would hit roughly two weeks after I've switched meds ... supposedly they are the same but different names, different "inactive ingredients" and somehow effecting me differently, I'm gonna say they ARE NOT THE SAME.

Monday - 1 unfinished item
Tuesday - 2 unfinished items
Wednesday???

Ugh. So I had to do grocery shopping and didn't have time/energy to finish my list. And I have groceries that don't fit into the disorganized shelves just standing around making it look like I did hardly at anything. If at all possible today I'll be adding:
-Monkey toys straightened
-clean and organize pot/pan area
-clean and organize Tupperware area
to my list. It may be too much. It feels like too much.

HAHA. Just had to run to the store and get the last ingredient for the Irish stew I tossed in the crock pot. Also I'll be making some ridiculous fancy molasses bread from scratch because obvs I want to punish myself and completely undo all of the work I have done thus far.

Wednesday:
-~~Monkey to Kita~~
-clean and organize dog bar
-clean dog feeding station and dishes
-clear out fridge/freezer and organize
-clean and organize cabinet over microwave
-pick up Monkey
-finish up anything unfinished
-clean windows in kitchen and living room

Current Mood: crazy
Current Location: house cleaning hell
Current Music: It's Already Wednesday - Freya

Went to the doc and waited a little more than 2 and a half hours. Finally got in there around the time I needed to get moving to pick up Sammy. Stressful.

Anyway, here Bupropion (Zyban) is only for quitting smoking. She looked for other meds and could find nothing that didn't have excessive weight gain as a side effect, and since I told her what it's used for in the US she agreed, despite misgivings, to let me give it a try. Because it's only for quitting smoking and not mental health issues I have to pay for it on my own, and it's 67€ and change. Which is doable but annoying.

She told me that my ecigs are a horrible idea and went on about chemicals and I should quit them. Which I think I will for 30 days while I'm on the Bupropion. She also said I need to seriously up my vit D dosage and keep taking the B vitamins.

Going to stroll to the store and the pharmacy in a little bit and pick up the new vit D and the Bupropion. Then I think I will sit under my sun lamp and vegetate because I have zero energy.

Other advice from the doctor was weight-loss related, I should cook only with coconut fat and cut out all other sources from my diet, no butter, no eggs, no animal fat, no other cooking oils ... this sounds sketchy as hell to me. I will peruse the internets and see what they have to say about her advice.

Current Mood: tired

OK so, after talking to Liz I have decided to start trying to keep daily tabs on how I'm feeling, and I'm gonna do it here on LJ!

I came off my Venlafaxin awhile back, and I did pretty good for awhile! I managed my anxiety with e-cigs and while I haven't dropped, well, hardly any of the weight I gained on that medicine I have stopped gaining. So, good deal.

Problem is I've been starting to have issues again. And last night when Jens was out at a whiskey tasting and crashing at a co-worker's place I had a LOT of anxiety. Like, almost panicky WHAT IF HE NEVER COMES BACK WHAT WOULD I DO?!?!?!?! Did not sleep well. Did not take any sominex either since I needed to be able to wake up for Sammy if he called for me.

And that isn't the first time I've had issues that don't seem to be held at bay by the e-cigs. This time of year does me no favors either. So I'm planning to go back to the doc and talk to her, see if she will put me on Bupropion. It's not supposed to have weight gain as a side effect, and I'm hoping it will help me manage my anxiety.

I don't know if she'll take my suggestion or if she'll suggest something else, but I know I don't want the other stuff back and I do need something it seems.

Current Mood: sleepy

I've been feeling restless lately. I have this desire to start changing things. I want to re-do the junk room into a home office. I want to re-do the warped floor in the bedroom. I'm thinking of taking some free online classes on topics that interest me. I want to make a hundred little changes in my life, but ...

I'm feeling kind of trapped. I can't do the big things without help, and no one but me has an interest in them. And all the little things are probably pointless and will never stick because, face it, look who you're talking to. And I just ... I don't know.

I'd like to talk about it, but I feel stupid. Everyone else has other things going on. And nobody, not even me, wants to sit down and hash through this ... this ennui.